Today is December 1. 30 days left in 2011. So, I'm pretty positive so many people are saying the same thing at this point in the year, "I'm so ready for this year to be over so I can start new". To me, that's all well and good. Yes, a new year can mean the start to something new, and fresh. But, does that really mean that it will? Well, maybe. The thing about that is if you carry your same baggage over into the new year, how can you start fresh? To truly make the new year new, you have to let go of all the things that made this year so bad. I have definitely been through some shit this year. I ended a long term relationship, I lost practically every material possession to my name except a few boxes that will fit in a storage shed. I lost faith in all of humanity. And, I swallowed my pride and came back home to my mom and dad's. I even ruined some friendships. I've lost a lot of things this year, but I also gained so much more. I found confidence in myself that I never knew I had. I found out who my true friends are. I became closer to the one person that has put up with me for half my life besides my family. Tricia, I love you! Anyone who knows me knows how tolerant, submissive, and passive I am. But, we all know that you can only push those very passive people so far before they snap too. Well, on January 23 this passive, submissive girl snapped. No, I didn't kill anyone, so don't expect me to be on the latest episode of Snapped. Something inside of me that day said ENOUGH! And, I almost paid the price, severely. The girl who always tried to please him and make him happy, that did everything in her power to just let it be, almost went to jail that day. Yep, it's funny how a 6'2" 250lb man can play victim to a 5'4" woman who weighs quite a bit less than him. It's also funny how after almost 3 years of being screamed at, called a slut, shoved, accused of everything under the sun, a tossed sippy cup at your head can make all the difference. To this day, I can still relive every moment of that night in my head, and wonder, would I have done things differently? To be completely honest, no, I wouldn't have. Things happened that night for a reason. That was God, smacking me in the face saying "Girl, stop this nonsense NOW!" At that point I had finally realized that anything had to be better than this. Even if it meant living in a shelter with my boys. So, from that day I decided that it was done and over. I had gone through this too many times. In my mind I had done everything I could to show him how much I loved him and tried my best to make it work. Even though I had shut him out and it was truly over in my heart and mind. I thought that I could make myself fall in love with him. I thought that I could make it work. I thought that I could be the hero. Well, come to find out, I'm no Superman. And prolonging the inevitable only made things much worse. I will never understand why I let my life spin that far out of control, other than I thought that I was doing the right thing by my boys.
Being back at home with my parents pretty much depending on them for my every need including emotional is very humbling. Standing there in their living room admitting to my dad that I had screwed up yet again was one of the hardest things I have done. It is right up there with admitting that I'm wrong and saying I'm sorry. I have a very hard time with that. But I'm getting better at it. At that point I was broke and broken. My spirit was gone. I was an empty shell just going through the daily motions. I could put on a happy face at work and make things seem like they were fine, but inside I was dying and pretty close to death. Not, literally, but emotionally and spiritually. If there had been a time when I actually contemplated suicide and even thought it out, that was the time. I had nothing, and I even thought that my children would be much better off without a f**ked up mother that I was at that point. That was then that I knew it was time to put it all back into God's hands and just let it be. Things didn't change over night. I was still tormented by that night in January, and B was still torturing me by breaking into my apartment and destroying things that he knew meant the world to me. Yes, they were replaceable material possessions, but I had worked very hard to have those things. And there were very few of them. But, I still had my life and my sons. I could just keep going. It was going to be ok. I kept praying and keeping faith that God would take care of it. Sure enough, he did. But it was only temporary. You don't learn very much in a less than 60 day jail sentence. B got pulled over and everything finally caught up to him. Only he didn't truly get the time he deserved. At that point I would probably still let him come back if he had just said the right words. I was still vulnerable and raw. He knew that. But, he really didn't make any attempt to beg me back. Maybe it was because I was at my mom's and there wasn't anywhere for him to come back to. But he sure did try to guilt trip me because he didn't see the boys. I offered to meet him with them several times but I refused to bring them all the way. I would help him but I wasn't going to do it all for him. I was tired of holding his hand and trying to make him be an adult. I still felt compassion and care for him, but the love was long gone. But I was also lonely. Even by this time I had started seeing someone new. I thought after a couple months that I was ready. So I gave it a shot. Wow, was that a learning experience. Needless to say that didn't last long at all. So, I had that lesson under my belt, I thought I knew what to do from here on out. So a couple months later, I had a new guy. We got along pretty good at first. Had a ton in common, and he knew exactly what to say to make me feel good. Something didn't feel very right after a few weeks, but I chocked it up to my insecurities and I thought it would eventually go away. Well, it wasn't insecurities. It was my intuition saying that this wasn't the one. So, that ended. Even though he was the one that ultimately ended it, there was a sense of relief. When your family doesn't like someone, it's usually a good indication that it's NOT going to work. So, those who want to go against your family and think that they're just insane, you're most likely the one that's wrong. I should have seen the big flag waving when I had apprehension in even letting them meet him. I knew they were going to hate him, but instead of sparing myself the shame and embarrassment, my stupid self went with it anyway. And what was really funny, was he actually liked my dad. So, I gave up. I was done with this crap. I was so attention starved and blinded I couldn't see shit. Well, my genius, Craigslist obsessed friend (Yes, I'm calling you out RODC! Love you!) decided that I needed an ad. Oh, boy this was going to be fun. So, I went with it. I weeded through all the penis pics, all the guys that were just looking for a piece of ass and was left with pretty much nothing. Except a 21 year old who liked older girls. Good lord, for a 21 year old he knew how to run the game. Which I expected it, no big. He just didn't have to lie to me. That's stupid. Well, I go through the same motions again weeding through junk in my mailbox and end up with 2 e mails that even slightly caught my attention. At that time to prove they were real they had to tell me what their favorite college team was. So, I was with a fellow UT fan, and a UK fan. Well, this could work out a couple of ways. I could actually have someone that felt my pain in liking a sucky team, or my dad would be proud that I had someone that liked his sucky team. Seemed like a win/win. Eh, not so much. The UK guy ended up just wanting ass. So, buh bye. Well, I was left with James. He held my attention. He was interesting, and very cute on top of it all. We both love football and he actually would carry on a conversation with me about it without changing the subject. This was great. It was also nice to know that he understood the situation that I had faced, he was going though it himself. Only I had been going through it a little bit longer. We were immediately on the same page. We wanted companionship without the full commitment. We were both still very raw and hurt. But it was nice to be able to talk about things and he say, I know exactly how you feel. About a week later after texting and literally talking on the phone and hearing each other's voices for 8 hours one day, we agreed to meet. I was excited and scared shitless all at the same time. But it seemed to go very well. A few weeks later, after talking and meeting, I found myself in a very vulnerable place. I had a tragedy at work and was scared to death. I wasn't there but it still impacted me deeply as if I had been. I explained to him what was going on and at that moment broke down. I didn't even think about it. It just happened. I don't break down and leave myself open to people I don't know well. But, it just felt natural, like it was what I was suppose to do. And, he comforted me. He told me that everything was going to be ok. That he was here for me when I needed him. For once I wasn't scared. I felt comfortable. Being vulnerable wasn't so bad. Especially knowing that I wasn't going to be hurt. And thus far he has proven that he's not going to hurt me. Not on purpose. Even after yesterday's event.
Am I hurt? Sure. No one wants to feel rejected. And at that very moment I did. But it got me to thinking and re-evaluating myself. I'm over B. I will never go back to him. The love is gone and will never return. But, I replaced that love with hate. I hated him and wished nothing but a slow painful death for him. After all that he had done to me that's what I felt he deserved. But, after being awake till 2 am and talking to my dear cousin Bre, I realized, how on earth can I be so cold to give my heart, that is so hardened and full of pain and hate, to someone who deserves so much better than that? Even as crazy as I am about J, is there a possibility that that hate would eventually seep into this relationship as well? It most likely would because every time he made me angry, I know myself well enough to know that I'd immediately compare him to B. All that pain and anger would just resurface and cause many problems. And, I'm pretty confident that the same would happen on his end. That is why it is so important to allow him the same time to heal. I want this relationship to be based on us. No one else. Sure, we have children with other people and they will always be a factor. His more than mine, being that B hasn't seen the boys since March. But there are ways to peacefully accommodate them. Do I know what is going to happen from here? No, I don't. But I do have my ideas and a new sense of peace and confidence that things are going to work out just fine this time. I am only 28, I still have a ton of growing and learning to do.
For the next 30 days, I will be packing my baggage and getting it ready for 2012. Because when the moment of 12:00am January 1, 2012 rolls in those suitcases will be sitting on the curb to stay. I will never return to pick them up. Sure, I'll turn my head every once in a while to see them still sitting there. But, only to remind myself that those suitcases are where they're meant to be, behind me in the past. However, as I continue to walk forward, those suitcases will eventually fade into the distance and all that will be left are lessons learned.
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