Today has been a pretty sad day. After the last few weeks I've had one of my close but not close friends passed away this morning. Tonya and I had a love hate relationship. She and I have known each other for a very long time. And we definitely have a sordid past. To those reading that do not know, My older son Jaden is the result of a drunken affair with her ex husband. Yes, I've done some things in my past that I am very much not proud of. Somehow though, she managed to, even though she never totally got over it all was able to be friends with me and civil without wanting to rip my face off. I sure as hell would have killed a girl, much less made an attempt to be friends. But somehow she did it. She forgave me and moved on. Yes, Tonya was a character and a half. I honestly thought that I was loud and funny, until I met her. She was me on steroids. But she had a sweetness to her. She allowed herself to be vulnerable and showed her heart. Which was friggin HUGE, might I add. I remember last Christmas there was a family that she adopted from her son's school and organized getting people to help this family. She was so excited and so thrilled that most everybody at work was on board and helped her out. She was doing a wonderful thing.
To her, everything was always 1,000 times worse or better than the typical person would see it. Yes, she was a drama queen beyond anyone's imagination. People loved her for that though. Me included. She always brought excitement, whether it be good or bad if she was around there was going to be some sort of craziness. There were a lot of times when I had no clue how to deal with her. She was just too much sometimes. We shared a lot of good times. Only a few bad because she would never confront me on things. She would just quit talking to me and a few months to a year later, we would usually find each other and be cool again. It was surely a strange friendship but I guess it worked for us. I wouldn't doubt it if she felt the same way about me. I'm a strange person sometimes. I could go into all kinds of scenarios and times that are special to me about her, but it would probably take several days.
Through the good and bad, up and down, Tonya was a very special person. Even though we weren't close at the end of her life, I miss her dearly and am saddened by her untimely death. I truly feel terrible for her son Cameron. He is only 6 years old and losing his mother.
Tonya, I didn't tell you often but, you were a wonderful person, and I am blessed to have been able to get to know you. No, more suffering, you are now with God.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Moving Along...Slowly
The last couple of days have been much better than the last 2 weeks. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm obviously still a little hurt, but I'm getting there. I'm finding faith again. I smiled really big today. The first time in 2 weeks. I've joked, and laughed, and even been able to do a little flirting. No, there's not already someone new. But, it's nice to know I just may still have it! I am simply having fun right now. I could be being played like crazy, but right now, I don't care. As I said in my last post, J will always have a piece of my heart. I fell in love with him. I've even had a few people give me their theories on what they think happened with him. And, that's ok. I agree with the possibilities of all of them. But I'm not going to dwell on them. I simply can't. I have to do what I can to be happy. And as he told me, I deserve to be happy.
I'm excited about getting IV certified next month. I'm excited about getting ready to move in the next few months. I have so many things to be excited about, I let my pain and sadness overshadow every bit of it. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't even want to try to predict what is going to happen. I am just breathing and going with the flow...What I should have done 2 weeks ago.
I'm excited about getting IV certified next month. I'm excited about getting ready to move in the next few months. I have so many things to be excited about, I let my pain and sadness overshadow every bit of it. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't even want to try to predict what is going to happen. I am just breathing and going with the flow...What I should have done 2 weeks ago.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
The 12 Different Types of Women
My friend posted this on Facebook. Thought it was worthy of sharing
1. Ms. Gold-Digger
Advantages
a. You have some one to manage your money.
b. She always looks good.
c. She makes your other friends jealous.
d. She makes you look good.
Disadvantages
a. When you get broke she'll be gone and take what you have left.
b. She makes sure she has a child by you to sue you for child support.
c. Once your friend comes up she'll be on his arm the next day.
2. Ms. Freak (secret lover)
Advantages
a. She knows all the right positions.
b. She'll try everything more than once.
c. You're never unsatisfied.
d. She'll do all the things your girl won't do.
e. She doesn't mind being your freak, as long as she catches one too.
Disadvantages
a. Eventually, because she's a female, she'll end up catching feelings.
b. She starts to act like she's your "main".
c. She fucks your friend and acts like you are wrong for telling her that she's a freak.
d. Eventually her shit gets old. And you need a replacement.
3. Ms. Independent
Advantages
a. You don't have to worry about buying her anything. She's got it.
b. She's intelligent, sassy, confident and determined.
c. She's great for (business) conversation.
d. She keeps it real and has goals.
e. She knows how to please a man.
Disadvantages
a. She will continuously let you know, that she can handle it on her own.
b. She will eventually say fuck you and get a dildo.
c. She will consider you another one her play toys, or goals.
4. Ms. Dyme
Advantages
a. She's top of the line.
b. She stays looking like a fantasy.
c. She has the body of a goddess with the face to match.
d. She considers herself a "model"
e. Gets you hard whenever you see her.
f. All the girls envy her, but she doesn't care.
Disadvantages
a. She's superficial. She cares only about her looks.
b. She honestly lacks confidence and will annoy you about the way she looks.
c. She's probably dumb as hell and if she's not her personality is dry.
d. You have to constantly keep your game up because every guy is gonna try to get with her.
5. Ms. Tomboy
Advantages
a. She's cool and laid back.
b. She'll be willing to play rough with you.
c. Of course, she loves sports.
d. Her body is athletically divine.
e. She's easy to talk to and fun to be around.
f. She's a diamond in the rough.
Disadvantages
a. She'll remind you too much of your best guy friend.
b. She might not want to change her appearance.
c. She might actually beat you in basketball, football and track.
6. Ms. Ghetto
Advantages
a. She's not afraid of any other female or male. She will fight to keep you.
b. She's down for you. She'll be there to bail you out of jail.
c. She always stays fresh.
d. She can cook up a storm. She can make the best out of a bad situation.
e. She keeps it real and keeps you satisfied.
Disadvantages
a. She doesn't know how to act in public.
b. Your mama can't stand her.
c. You get into with her every other second.
d. She's willing to fight another girl looking at you or her PERIOD.
e. Her weave colors are distracting and her vocabulary is minimal.
7. Ms. Good Girl
Advantages
a. She's always there for you.
b. She's intelligent, classy, kind, sweet and cool.
c. Your mother loves her.
d. You can see yourself falling in love with her.
e. You are her first everything.
f. She makes you feel like a man.
Disadvantages
a. She's an A or B situation either:
A. You're not going get any until you are married or
B. She said she's never done - she said she's never tried - she's sitting there telling a mother fucking lie.
8. Ms. Main
Advantages
a. She is the one you respect.
b. She probably may know about the others but might not care.
c. She has all the qualities you want in a female.
d. You've been with her forever.
Disadvantages
a. She starts getting very suspicious and calls you every moment.
b. She will devise a plan to catch you in your act and then kick your ass
9. Ms. Psycho
Advantages
a. She's fun and spontaneous.
b. She's down to earth.
c. She loves you unconditionally.
d. Everything about her is too good to be true. So everyone loves her.
e. She makes you feel loved.
Disadvantages
a. Don't ever break up with her. She will stalk your ass.
b. She keeps pictures of you everywhere and knows everything about you.
c. She can manipulate the hell out of you.
d. She will consider herself your wifey even if she may just be that chick on the side.
e. Fucking with her can make your life a living hell.
10. Ms. I have a Man
Advantages
a. She may have a man but she'll mess with you anyway.
b. She looks good.
c. You have an intense night of passion with her.
Disadvantages
a. She'll always come crying to you about the problems with her man.
b. She'll get you caught up and then leave you anyway for her man.
c. If you piss her off she'll get her man to come beat your ass.
d. She'll unofficially make you her man once she gets pissed off at her real man.
11. Ms. Tease
Advantages
a. She's tempting and a nice piece of eye candy.
b. She's intelligent, athletic, respectable and SEXXXXXXY.
c. She knows how to turn you on without touching you.
d. Everything she does is just so sensual.
e. She can bring you to that point and make you wait to get it.
f. Every time you see her you catch a mini orgasm.
g. Every guy wants her because she's so mysterious and that makes you want to get her first.
Disadvantages
a. NO matter what you think or do you never get it.
b. She probably has a long distance boyfriend somewhere that you will never know about.
c. She gets you hard and leaves you like that. (Unbearable)
12. MS. RIGHT
Advantages
a. She is not sexy, fine, or a dyme she is Beautiful and therefore encompasses all of these descriptions.
b. She is intelligent, sassy, funny, outgoing, determined, strong and classy.
c. She can cook or at least order a meal that is just like your mother's.
d. Her personality is just as beautiful as her body.
e. She believes in God and follows his virtues.
f. She knows that a relationship requires a 200% quota yet she gives her man an extra 10%.
g. She can please her man in anyway. Mentally, Spiritually, and Sexually.
h. She makes you recognize your full potential as a man and completes you.
i. She's always there for, no matter what your dreams are.
j. She's not afraid to tell you the truth and set you straight.
k. You can talk to her and confide in her, she's your best friend.
l. You love being around her more than your boys.
m. You can share your most intimate moments with her without sex.
n. You can have a bad argument with her and have the BEST Mind Numbing and passionate love making fest ever.
o. She's always willing to find a way to work out your problems and will often take most of your shit. But she's also intelligent enough to leave.
p. She's nothing like any other girl you've met. She's your woman.
Disadvantage
a. You've probably met her, or had her in your life but got too consumed with all the other types that you let her go.
b. You don't believe that she exists. So you stick with other types of girls that don't satisfy you or make you happy.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
30 Days Left...My analysis of 2011
Today is December 1. 30 days left in 2011. So, I'm pretty positive so many people are saying the same thing at this point in the year, "I'm so ready for this year to be over so I can start new". To me, that's all well and good. Yes, a new year can mean the start to something new, and fresh. But, does that really mean that it will? Well, maybe. The thing about that is if you carry your same baggage over into the new year, how can you start fresh? To truly make the new year new, you have to let go of all the things that made this year so bad. I have definitely been through some shit this year. I ended a long term relationship, I lost practically every material possession to my name except a few boxes that will fit in a storage shed. I lost faith in all of humanity. And, I swallowed my pride and came back home to my mom and dad's. I even ruined some friendships. I've lost a lot of things this year, but I also gained so much more. I found confidence in myself that I never knew I had. I found out who my true friends are. I became closer to the one person that has put up with me for half my life besides my family. Tricia, I love you! Anyone who knows me knows how tolerant, submissive, and passive I am. But, we all know that you can only push those very passive people so far before they snap too. Well, on January 23 this passive, submissive girl snapped. No, I didn't kill anyone, so don't expect me to be on the latest episode of Snapped. Something inside of me that day said ENOUGH! And, I almost paid the price, severely. The girl who always tried to please him and make him happy, that did everything in her power to just let it be, almost went to jail that day. Yep, it's funny how a 6'2" 250lb man can play victim to a 5'4" woman who weighs quite a bit less than him. It's also funny how after almost 3 years of being screamed at, called a slut, shoved, accused of everything under the sun, a tossed sippy cup at your head can make all the difference. To this day, I can still relive every moment of that night in my head, and wonder, would I have done things differently? To be completely honest, no, I wouldn't have. Things happened that night for a reason. That was God, smacking me in the face saying "Girl, stop this nonsense NOW!" At that point I had finally realized that anything had to be better than this. Even if it meant living in a shelter with my boys. So, from that day I decided that it was done and over. I had gone through this too many times. In my mind I had done everything I could to show him how much I loved him and tried my best to make it work. Even though I had shut him out and it was truly over in my heart and mind. I thought that I could make myself fall in love with him. I thought that I could make it work. I thought that I could be the hero. Well, come to find out, I'm no Superman. And prolonging the inevitable only made things much worse. I will never understand why I let my life spin that far out of control, other than I thought that I was doing the right thing by my boys.
Being back at home with my parents pretty much depending on them for my every need including emotional is very humbling. Standing there in their living room admitting to my dad that I had screwed up yet again was one of the hardest things I have done. It is right up there with admitting that I'm wrong and saying I'm sorry. I have a very hard time with that. But I'm getting better at it. At that point I was broke and broken. My spirit was gone. I was an empty shell just going through the daily motions. I could put on a happy face at work and make things seem like they were fine, but inside I was dying and pretty close to death. Not, literally, but emotionally and spiritually. If there had been a time when I actually contemplated suicide and even thought it out, that was the time. I had nothing, and I even thought that my children would be much better off without a f**ked up mother that I was at that point. That was then that I knew it was time to put it all back into God's hands and just let it be. Things didn't change over night. I was still tormented by that night in January, and B was still torturing me by breaking into my apartment and destroying things that he knew meant the world to me. Yes, they were replaceable material possessions, but I had worked very hard to have those things. And there were very few of them. But, I still had my life and my sons. I could just keep going. It was going to be ok. I kept praying and keeping faith that God would take care of it. Sure enough, he did. But it was only temporary. You don't learn very much in a less than 60 day jail sentence. B got pulled over and everything finally caught up to him. Only he didn't truly get the time he deserved. At that point I would probably still let him come back if he had just said the right words. I was still vulnerable and raw. He knew that. But, he really didn't make any attempt to beg me back. Maybe it was because I was at my mom's and there wasn't anywhere for him to come back to. But he sure did try to guilt trip me because he didn't see the boys. I offered to meet him with them several times but I refused to bring them all the way. I would help him but I wasn't going to do it all for him. I was tired of holding his hand and trying to make him be an adult. I still felt compassion and care for him, but the love was long gone. But I was also lonely. Even by this time I had started seeing someone new. I thought after a couple months that I was ready. So I gave it a shot. Wow, was that a learning experience. Needless to say that didn't last long at all. So, I had that lesson under my belt, I thought I knew what to do from here on out. So a couple months later, I had a new guy. We got along pretty good at first. Had a ton in common, and he knew exactly what to say to make me feel good. Something didn't feel very right after a few weeks, but I chocked it up to my insecurities and I thought it would eventually go away. Well, it wasn't insecurities. It was my intuition saying that this wasn't the one. So, that ended. Even though he was the one that ultimately ended it, there was a sense of relief. When your family doesn't like someone, it's usually a good indication that it's NOT going to work. So, those who want to go against your family and think that they're just insane, you're most likely the one that's wrong. I should have seen the big flag waving when I had apprehension in even letting them meet him. I knew they were going to hate him, but instead of sparing myself the shame and embarrassment, my stupid self went with it anyway. And what was really funny, was he actually liked my dad. So, I gave up. I was done with this crap. I was so attention starved and blinded I couldn't see shit. Well, my genius, Craigslist obsessed friend (Yes, I'm calling you out RODC! Love you!) decided that I needed an ad. Oh, boy this was going to be fun. So, I went with it. I weeded through all the penis pics, all the guys that were just looking for a piece of ass and was left with pretty much nothing. Except a 21 year old who liked older girls. Good lord, for a 21 year old he knew how to run the game. Which I expected it, no big. He just didn't have to lie to me. That's stupid. Well, I go through the same motions again weeding through junk in my mailbox and end up with 2 e mails that even slightly caught my attention. At that time to prove they were real they had to tell me what their favorite college team was. So, I was with a fellow UT fan, and a UK fan. Well, this could work out a couple of ways. I could actually have someone that felt my pain in liking a sucky team, or my dad would be proud that I had someone that liked his sucky team. Seemed like a win/win. Eh, not so much. The UK guy ended up just wanting ass. So, buh bye. Well, I was left with James. He held my attention. He was interesting, and very cute on top of it all. We both love football and he actually would carry on a conversation with me about it without changing the subject. This was great. It was also nice to know that he understood the situation that I had faced, he was going though it himself. Only I had been going through it a little bit longer. We were immediately on the same page. We wanted companionship without the full commitment. We were both still very raw and hurt. But it was nice to be able to talk about things and he say, I know exactly how you feel. About a week later after texting and literally talking on the phone and hearing each other's voices for 8 hours one day, we agreed to meet. I was excited and scared shitless all at the same time. But it seemed to go very well. A few weeks later, after talking and meeting, I found myself in a very vulnerable place. I had a tragedy at work and was scared to death. I wasn't there but it still impacted me deeply as if I had been. I explained to him what was going on and at that moment broke down. I didn't even think about it. It just happened. I don't break down and leave myself open to people I don't know well. But, it just felt natural, like it was what I was suppose to do. And, he comforted me. He told me that everything was going to be ok. That he was here for me when I needed him. For once I wasn't scared. I felt comfortable. Being vulnerable wasn't so bad. Especially knowing that I wasn't going to be hurt. And thus far he has proven that he's not going to hurt me. Not on purpose. Even after yesterday's event.
Am I hurt? Sure. No one wants to feel rejected. And at that very moment I did. But it got me to thinking and re-evaluating myself. I'm over B. I will never go back to him. The love is gone and will never return. But, I replaced that love with hate. I hated him and wished nothing but a slow painful death for him. After all that he had done to me that's what I felt he deserved. But, after being awake till 2 am and talking to my dear cousin Bre, I realized, how on earth can I be so cold to give my heart, that is so hardened and full of pain and hate, to someone who deserves so much better than that? Even as crazy as I am about J, is there a possibility that that hate would eventually seep into this relationship as well? It most likely would because every time he made me angry, I know myself well enough to know that I'd immediately compare him to B. All that pain and anger would just resurface and cause many problems. And, I'm pretty confident that the same would happen on his end. That is why it is so important to allow him the same time to heal. I want this relationship to be based on us. No one else. Sure, we have children with other people and they will always be a factor. His more than mine, being that B hasn't seen the boys since March. But there are ways to peacefully accommodate them. Do I know what is going to happen from here? No, I don't. But I do have my ideas and a new sense of peace and confidence that things are going to work out just fine this time. I am only 28, I still have a ton of growing and learning to do.
For the next 30 days, I will be packing my baggage and getting it ready for 2012. Because when the moment of 12:00am January 1, 2012 rolls in those suitcases will be sitting on the curb to stay. I will never return to pick them up. Sure, I'll turn my head every once in a while to see them still sitting there. But, only to remind myself that those suitcases are where they're meant to be, behind me in the past. However, as I continue to walk forward, those suitcases will eventually fade into the distance and all that will be left are lessons learned.
Being back at home with my parents pretty much depending on them for my every need including emotional is very humbling. Standing there in their living room admitting to my dad that I had screwed up yet again was one of the hardest things I have done. It is right up there with admitting that I'm wrong and saying I'm sorry. I have a very hard time with that. But I'm getting better at it. At that point I was broke and broken. My spirit was gone. I was an empty shell just going through the daily motions. I could put on a happy face at work and make things seem like they were fine, but inside I was dying and pretty close to death. Not, literally, but emotionally and spiritually. If there had been a time when I actually contemplated suicide and even thought it out, that was the time. I had nothing, and I even thought that my children would be much better off without a f**ked up mother that I was at that point. That was then that I knew it was time to put it all back into God's hands and just let it be. Things didn't change over night. I was still tormented by that night in January, and B was still torturing me by breaking into my apartment and destroying things that he knew meant the world to me. Yes, they were replaceable material possessions, but I had worked very hard to have those things. And there were very few of them. But, I still had my life and my sons. I could just keep going. It was going to be ok. I kept praying and keeping faith that God would take care of it. Sure enough, he did. But it was only temporary. You don't learn very much in a less than 60 day jail sentence. B got pulled over and everything finally caught up to him. Only he didn't truly get the time he deserved. At that point I would probably still let him come back if he had just said the right words. I was still vulnerable and raw. He knew that. But, he really didn't make any attempt to beg me back. Maybe it was because I was at my mom's and there wasn't anywhere for him to come back to. But he sure did try to guilt trip me because he didn't see the boys. I offered to meet him with them several times but I refused to bring them all the way. I would help him but I wasn't going to do it all for him. I was tired of holding his hand and trying to make him be an adult. I still felt compassion and care for him, but the love was long gone. But I was also lonely. Even by this time I had started seeing someone new. I thought after a couple months that I was ready. So I gave it a shot. Wow, was that a learning experience. Needless to say that didn't last long at all. So, I had that lesson under my belt, I thought I knew what to do from here on out. So a couple months later, I had a new guy. We got along pretty good at first. Had a ton in common, and he knew exactly what to say to make me feel good. Something didn't feel very right after a few weeks, but I chocked it up to my insecurities and I thought it would eventually go away. Well, it wasn't insecurities. It was my intuition saying that this wasn't the one. So, that ended. Even though he was the one that ultimately ended it, there was a sense of relief. When your family doesn't like someone, it's usually a good indication that it's NOT going to work. So, those who want to go against your family and think that they're just insane, you're most likely the one that's wrong. I should have seen the big flag waving when I had apprehension in even letting them meet him. I knew they were going to hate him, but instead of sparing myself the shame and embarrassment, my stupid self went with it anyway. And what was really funny, was he actually liked my dad. So, I gave up. I was done with this crap. I was so attention starved and blinded I couldn't see shit. Well, my genius, Craigslist obsessed friend (Yes, I'm calling you out RODC! Love you!) decided that I needed an ad. Oh, boy this was going to be fun. So, I went with it. I weeded through all the penis pics, all the guys that were just looking for a piece of ass and was left with pretty much nothing. Except a 21 year old who liked older girls. Good lord, for a 21 year old he knew how to run the game. Which I expected it, no big. He just didn't have to lie to me. That's stupid. Well, I go through the same motions again weeding through junk in my mailbox and end up with 2 e mails that even slightly caught my attention. At that time to prove they were real they had to tell me what their favorite college team was. So, I was with a fellow UT fan, and a UK fan. Well, this could work out a couple of ways. I could actually have someone that felt my pain in liking a sucky team, or my dad would be proud that I had someone that liked his sucky team. Seemed like a win/win. Eh, not so much. The UK guy ended up just wanting ass. So, buh bye. Well, I was left with James. He held my attention. He was interesting, and very cute on top of it all. We both love football and he actually would carry on a conversation with me about it without changing the subject. This was great. It was also nice to know that he understood the situation that I had faced, he was going though it himself. Only I had been going through it a little bit longer. We were immediately on the same page. We wanted companionship without the full commitment. We were both still very raw and hurt. But it was nice to be able to talk about things and he say, I know exactly how you feel. About a week later after texting and literally talking on the phone and hearing each other's voices for 8 hours one day, we agreed to meet. I was excited and scared shitless all at the same time. But it seemed to go very well. A few weeks later, after talking and meeting, I found myself in a very vulnerable place. I had a tragedy at work and was scared to death. I wasn't there but it still impacted me deeply as if I had been. I explained to him what was going on and at that moment broke down. I didn't even think about it. It just happened. I don't break down and leave myself open to people I don't know well. But, it just felt natural, like it was what I was suppose to do. And, he comforted me. He told me that everything was going to be ok. That he was here for me when I needed him. For once I wasn't scared. I felt comfortable. Being vulnerable wasn't so bad. Especially knowing that I wasn't going to be hurt. And thus far he has proven that he's not going to hurt me. Not on purpose. Even after yesterday's event.
Am I hurt? Sure. No one wants to feel rejected. And at that very moment I did. But it got me to thinking and re-evaluating myself. I'm over B. I will never go back to him. The love is gone and will never return. But, I replaced that love with hate. I hated him and wished nothing but a slow painful death for him. After all that he had done to me that's what I felt he deserved. But, after being awake till 2 am and talking to my dear cousin Bre, I realized, how on earth can I be so cold to give my heart, that is so hardened and full of pain and hate, to someone who deserves so much better than that? Even as crazy as I am about J, is there a possibility that that hate would eventually seep into this relationship as well? It most likely would because every time he made me angry, I know myself well enough to know that I'd immediately compare him to B. All that pain and anger would just resurface and cause many problems. And, I'm pretty confident that the same would happen on his end. That is why it is so important to allow him the same time to heal. I want this relationship to be based on us. No one else. Sure, we have children with other people and they will always be a factor. His more than mine, being that B hasn't seen the boys since March. But there are ways to peacefully accommodate them. Do I know what is going to happen from here? No, I don't. But I do have my ideas and a new sense of peace and confidence that things are going to work out just fine this time. I am only 28, I still have a ton of growing and learning to do.
For the next 30 days, I will be packing my baggage and getting it ready for 2012. Because when the moment of 12:00am January 1, 2012 rolls in those suitcases will be sitting on the curb to stay. I will never return to pick them up. Sure, I'll turn my head every once in a while to see them still sitting there. But, only to remind myself that those suitcases are where they're meant to be, behind me in the past. However, as I continue to walk forward, those suitcases will eventually fade into the distance and all that will be left are lessons learned.
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