As 2014 comes to a close, I reflect back on this year. While I don't remember the majority of the small events, those small events end up becoming some of the most defining. Rather than drudging up the pain of the year, I'd rather talk about the top lessons I have learned from that pain and and struggles. Funny enough I found myself on both sides of these lessons. Yep this is one of those dreaded list posts.
1. People deal with pain and loss differently. You can't force them to see things your way. Sometimes the best support you can offer is an open heart and ears. They will come to terms with their issues and eventually become grateful for you just being there.
2. People do things that just don't make sense. Even to them, eventually they make little sense in hindsight, but in the moment make perfect sense.
3. Sometimes the past catches up to you and you just have to hunker down and tough it out, even when those consequences suck worse than you could imagine.
4. Every single person has baggage and a past. It ultimately is your choice whether you are strong enough and willing to help that person unpack that load, or help them carry it until they are ready. It is also up to you to weigh and deal with the consequences of taking on that load.
5. Some people have a hard time expressing their gratitude, don't assume they're ungrateful.
6. Don't assume people learn lessons after the first time. Some it takes several times, or even hitting rock bottom before they learn.
7. Don't assume that because you think you've been through a similar situation, it actually is. To them, it's different and again, they aren't going to deal with it the same way you did.
8. There are people who are damaged to the point they are cautious of every person they come in contact with, even with the most trustworthy people. If you're up for the challenge, patience is the only way to cope with this.
9. Just because you feel unimportant in someone's life, this doesn't mean you always are. Sometimes, you may be the most important person to them, and they let others know about it, even when you feel invisible.
10. There are people who still love unconditionally.
11. Even with the best of intentions, your friends aren't always right. They can only offer advice with what they understand. Be appreciative of that advice and love, but they don't walk your path.
The biggest lesson I have learned this year is this:
12. There are people worth fighting for. Even when they hurt you deeply and you go through huge amounts of crap for them, they are still worth it. At times it may not seem like it, but when you finally see the fruits of that fight, you realize it was truly all worth it in the end. Giving up isn't always the best option, sometimes it's not an option at all.
This is how my year has played out. Full of fight, full of lessons but also has ended with love that I could have never imagined. While this fight will continue on into the new year, I am realizing the fight for those you love never ends. In the process of someone else learning how much you love them, you end up learning YOUR love for them is much deeper than you thought and love always wins.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Living as a real life Jekyll and Hyde
I'm a horrible blogger, I know. I'm pretty inconsistent, scattered all over the place and at times, I frankly just don't care. I started my blog with the intent to just vent my feelings at the time. I never expected anyone to read it, but after several posts and almost 1,000 views, I don't think that's too bad. Maybe in this process someone, hopefully has benefited. A lot has gone on in the time between posts, however I will go back 9 months.
November of last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. This was a devastating blow to my ego at the time. I felt like it confirmed my fears that something was wrong with me and my personality. I had a hard time dealing with it for a good little while. A couple of months later I realized instead of using it as an excuse for my behaviors, I could use it as a tool as to why I act the way I do and figure out solutions and better coping mechanisms. For the next three months I did pretty well. I was taking my medications, going to counseling, and doing great in school. I was figuring out ways to deal with problems and not letting it affect my school work and things at home. A few months later things changed. I began to allow someone else(whom I will not mention out of respect) affect my moods and my outlook on life. I began to feel again as if I was a horrible person and something was wrong with me. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I kept messing things up. I began to become the person I worked so hard to not be again. I became needy and clingy to this person while pushing away people I should have kept close. I was so afraid of losing everything I had felt I worked so hard to keep. While this person had problems of their own that were already there that I had not contributed to, I seemed to have been making them worse. At least that's how I felt. Being supportive became being overbearing and invasive. While that wasn't my intent at all, it became all too real, I had let my emotions get the best of me...again. Only much more intensely and extreme. Now, in all fairness to myself, there were legitimate reasons why I felt the way I did, which would be an entire blog post of its own, so I'm not going into detail. I will NEVER apologize for how I feel about anything or my opinions. However, when necessary I will apologize for how I cope with and react to those feelings...I'm a work in progress and I do in fact try my best.
Something I have learned with trying to understand this disorder is, you have have have to be very clear and direct with someone who is bipolar. Being vague and allowing them to draw their own conclusions only ends up making for a horrible scenario. Being bipolar is bad enough but when someone else cannot be clear and concise, there becomes two people who confuse each other. Properly treated bipolar disorder can still take a toll on the person with the disorder. This I can attest to. The mood swings from mania to depression still happen, maybe not as frequently or as extreme. Not knowing when they will happen or how bad they will be causes massive confusion for me. Outside stressors only exacerbate the problem. This is why it is extremely important for me to surround myself with people with stability. This leads to why I absolutely hate this disorder.
I am hard to deal with. Obviously if I don't know what my mood will be from day to day, it is hard to expect someone else to brace for it and deal with it. Most people have a hard time understanding and think I'm crazy or a moody bitch. Others just refuse to try. There are days when I wish anyone could be inside my head for an entire day. Then they just may understand why this shit sucks. I am no different from anyone else. If someone could get past my moodiness they would find I am a caring, compassionate, loving person who would do anything in the world for those I care about. This however is not an easy feat. It's hard. It's hard on those who have accepted me, deal with me on a daily basis and especially my family. This is not me making excuses for myself or anyone else with bipolar. I can hold a job for an extended period of time, I can be a great mom and I can be a best friend. So can most others contrary to what a lot of people seem to think. I am not crazy. I don't want to be defined by this disorder. And I won't.
November of last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. This was a devastating blow to my ego at the time. I felt like it confirmed my fears that something was wrong with me and my personality. I had a hard time dealing with it for a good little while. A couple of months later I realized instead of using it as an excuse for my behaviors, I could use it as a tool as to why I act the way I do and figure out solutions and better coping mechanisms. For the next three months I did pretty well. I was taking my medications, going to counseling, and doing great in school. I was figuring out ways to deal with problems and not letting it affect my school work and things at home. A few months later things changed. I began to allow someone else(whom I will not mention out of respect) affect my moods and my outlook on life. I began to feel again as if I was a horrible person and something was wrong with me. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I kept messing things up. I began to become the person I worked so hard to not be again. I became needy and clingy to this person while pushing away people I should have kept close. I was so afraid of losing everything I had felt I worked so hard to keep. While this person had problems of their own that were already there that I had not contributed to, I seemed to have been making them worse. At least that's how I felt. Being supportive became being overbearing and invasive. While that wasn't my intent at all, it became all too real, I had let my emotions get the best of me...again. Only much more intensely and extreme. Now, in all fairness to myself, there were legitimate reasons why I felt the way I did, which would be an entire blog post of its own, so I'm not going into detail. I will NEVER apologize for how I feel about anything or my opinions. However, when necessary I will apologize for how I cope with and react to those feelings...I'm a work in progress and I do in fact try my best.
Something I have learned with trying to understand this disorder is, you have have have to be very clear and direct with someone who is bipolar. Being vague and allowing them to draw their own conclusions only ends up making for a horrible scenario. Being bipolar is bad enough but when someone else cannot be clear and concise, there becomes two people who confuse each other. Properly treated bipolar disorder can still take a toll on the person with the disorder. This I can attest to. The mood swings from mania to depression still happen, maybe not as frequently or as extreme. Not knowing when they will happen or how bad they will be causes massive confusion for me. Outside stressors only exacerbate the problem. This is why it is extremely important for me to surround myself with people with stability. This leads to why I absolutely hate this disorder.
I am hard to deal with. Obviously if I don't know what my mood will be from day to day, it is hard to expect someone else to brace for it and deal with it. Most people have a hard time understanding and think I'm crazy or a moody bitch. Others just refuse to try. There are days when I wish anyone could be inside my head for an entire day. Then they just may understand why this shit sucks. I am no different from anyone else. If someone could get past my moodiness they would find I am a caring, compassionate, loving person who would do anything in the world for those I care about. This however is not an easy feat. It's hard. It's hard on those who have accepted me, deal with me on a daily basis and especially my family. This is not me making excuses for myself or anyone else with bipolar. I can hold a job for an extended period of time, I can be a great mom and I can be a best friend. So can most others contrary to what a lot of people seem to think. I am not crazy. I don't want to be defined by this disorder. And I won't.
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