The last few days have been pretty decent. Even though my boys have been sick and I've been attempting to wean Ethan off the bedtime sippy cup. That hasn't been fun at all. Especially considering today, he finally ruined his last soft spout cup. Weaning him off those is like breaking a baby from a binky. So, with him being sick it's been a challenge. Jaden hasn't wanted to go back to school either so that's been hard on me too. BUT it's actually been a good thing. I've been distracted. I've been focused on what's important. My kiddos. They have suffered right along with me the last month. They have dealt with a grumpy, moody mama. They haven't deserved that. I think my family has suffered too because they definitely don't enjoy seeing me depressed and upset. I've tried to flirt and be friendly but I kept feeling like I was doing something wrong. I know, I've said that before. But I think that guilt was coming from a different source than I thought. I think I was feeling guilty not because I felt like I was betraying James, but that I was selling myself way short. I think I did good choosing him. Ultimately, he's a good person, and I hold no grudges against him. And I know that since I have done it once, I can do it again. It sure wasn't easy to decide on him and it certainly didn't happen over night. It's not going to this time either. But in all reality there's not going to be a this time for a long time. I've GOT to get back on track with school, and I have in the last few days. I've busted out a few chapters and quizzes so I think hopefully in the next few weeks I can take my big test. Shoo, that's scary to think about.
God has been so good to me, but in my self loathing and throwing my "everybody feel sorry for me" bash, I refused to see it. I don't take hints well and subtleties go right over my head. You pretty much better have a hammer handy if you're going to even try to get a point across to me because otherwise, you're going to get a very constipated look from me. God knows that better than anyone does. So that's why every once in a while he has to pull the hammer out and beat me in the head. Yeah, sounds like an all loving God huh? Well, your parents had to beat your butt every so often to get their point across didn't they?
So, the point behind my title was emotional healing is very much like physical healing. You get a cut, (hurt feelings), it bleeds, then develops a scab. Well, in emotional healing, you get a theoretical "scab" on your heart. It's in the process of healing but it's not quite finished. We all know what happens when we scratch an actual scab that hasn't totally healed yet. It's either going to start bleeding again, or you're going to uncover raw, sore skin. Well, in my case, I began to not only bleed again, I gushed. And, it's been evident in my last few posts. I just wasn't ready to even consider thinking about another serious relationship. No matter how either one of us may try to deny it, my and James's relationship began to get serious. Or he was an amazing faker, in which the Oscars needs to be called and he deserves the prize for sure. Will I ever know absolutely either way? Probably not. But I can genuinely say, I'm ok with that. People come in and out of our lives for specific reasons. Sometimes we don't actually know the reason for a long time. But either way it was a blessing and I will never think otherwise. So, for now I'm sticking my Hello Kitty Band-Aid back on and letting myself heal this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment