I'm a horrible blogger, I know. I'm pretty inconsistent, scattered all over the place and at times, I frankly just don't care. I started my blog with the intent to just vent my feelings at the time. I never expected anyone to read it, but after several posts and almost 1,000 views, I don't think that's too bad. Maybe in this process someone, hopefully has benefited. A lot has gone on in the time between posts, however I will go back 9 months.
November of last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. This was a devastating blow to my ego at the time. I felt like it confirmed my fears that something was wrong with me and my personality. I had a hard time dealing with it for a good little while. A couple of months later I realized instead of using it as an excuse for my behaviors, I could use it as a tool as to why I act the way I do and figure out solutions and better coping mechanisms. For the next three months I did pretty well. I was taking my medications, going to counseling, and doing great in school. I was figuring out ways to deal with problems and not letting it affect my school work and things at home. A few months later things changed. I began to allow someone else(whom I will not mention out of respect) affect my moods and my outlook on life. I began to feel again as if I was a horrible person and something was wrong with me. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I kept messing things up. I began to become the person I worked so hard to not be again. I became needy and clingy to this person while pushing away people I should have kept close. I was so afraid of losing everything I had felt I worked so hard to keep. While this person had problems of their own that were already there that I had not contributed to, I seemed to have been making them worse. At least that's how I felt. Being supportive became being overbearing and invasive. While that wasn't my intent at all, it became all too real, I had let my emotions get the best of me...again. Only much more intensely and extreme. Now, in all fairness to myself, there were legitimate reasons why I felt the way I did, which would be an entire blog post of its own, so I'm not going into detail. I will NEVER apologize for how I feel about anything or my opinions. However, when necessary I will apologize for how I cope with and react to those feelings...I'm a work in progress and I do in fact try my best.
Something I have learned with trying to understand this disorder is, you have have have to be very clear and direct with someone who is bipolar. Being vague and allowing them to draw their own conclusions only ends up making for a horrible scenario. Being bipolar is bad enough but when someone else cannot be clear and concise, there becomes two people who confuse each other. Properly treated bipolar disorder can still take a toll on the person with the disorder. This I can attest to. The mood swings from mania to depression still happen, maybe not as frequently or as extreme. Not knowing when they will happen or how bad they will be causes massive confusion for me. Outside stressors only exacerbate the problem. This is why it is extremely important for me to surround myself with people with stability. This leads to why I absolutely hate this disorder.
I am hard to deal with. Obviously if I don't know what my mood will be from day to day, it is hard to expect someone else to brace for it and deal with it. Most people have a hard time understanding and think I'm crazy or a moody bitch. Others just refuse to try. There are days when I wish anyone could be inside my head for an entire day. Then they just may understand why this shit sucks. I am no different from anyone else. If someone could get past my moodiness they would find I am a caring, compassionate, loving person who would do anything in the world for those I care about. This however is not an easy feat. It's hard. It's hard on those who have accepted me, deal with me on a daily basis and especially my family. This is not me making excuses for myself or anyone else with bipolar. I can hold a job for an extended period of time, I can be a great mom and I can be a best friend. So can most others contrary to what a lot of people seem to think. I am not crazy. I don't want to be defined by this disorder. And I won't.
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